Saturday, March 6, 2010

Lesson 12: Believe in Miracles

Unlike the “real world”, (which I wish everyone would shut up about already), miracles CAN happen to Ms. Pacman. Picture this, hotshot: You’re hauling ass and chowing dots through board six like nobody’s business when suddenly you notice an irresistible savory pear dancing around the maze. You decide that it’s dangerous but worth the risk*, only to find yourself in a no-win situation. Every direction leads to certain death. (More on coping with death later.) Then, just as you accept your fate you miraculously travel through the ghost and live to tell the tale. This is extremely rare but it does happen so you damn well better be prepared for it. Do not panic. Yes, it defies every natural law that has ever been established in Pacland and the implications reach far beyond what our brains are capable of grasping. But you mustn't squander a rare second chance. (This happened to Matt once; his eyes bulged out of his head and he shouted “DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?” moments before getting stuffed by a follow-up ghost. Don’t be like Matt.) The mature way to handle the situation is to casually nod your head and imply that it was all a part of your master plan.

If you play it off right you may or may not score a hot date.

*There’s a Ratt song called Dangerous But Worth the Risk. It’s okay.


  1. I can only assume Lessons 5 through 11 detail how not to Be Like Matt.

    Lesson 7: You Can Memorize All The Patterns You Want, But Nothing Beats Red Bull And Other Performance Enhancing Drugs. Which Matt Didn't Take.

  2. Well the record on your cocktail table was the product of an all nighter and a giant ice coffee. (Goddamn I miss Dunk'n Donuts ice coffee.) I would testify in court that Red Bull improves Ms. Pacman (and racquetball) chops.

  3. Well, the record on the coffee table is one thing, but I seem to remember a Nintendo 64 record that was, ahem, *influenced* a little more.

    All in all, asterisk.

    My Junior Pac Man record? All natural.

    See my Horrorthon response for just a great, great idea...

  4. That's the best idea since that great, great meatcleaver. Did you ever try the dance pad thing?

  5. Tried at your place either in Norwood or The Bucket, I think. I remember failing miserably. I would like to vote for that NOT to be the official way we do dis. Oh, and I was going to invite Bendin to compete with his machine. But I don't think that will pose any serious threat.

  6. If Bendin makes it to the pretzel level I'll be his butler for a week.

  7. Aside from the portions that directly bash me (and this whole thing has a GREAT Ron Bass-JYD feel...You're Ron Bass), I felt it necessary to point out that this is a well-crafted essay, with some very salient, philosophical and existential points.*

    Board 6 is the first board where you transcend from the adolescent chasing after ghosts for points on the blue boards to full-blown Fruit Whore. The pear represents the first time you start to notice fruit, and really, deeply care about it. And a really great butt on a woman is sometimes referred to as a "pear." I make no direct connection here, as the whole subsequent-Banana thing really makes it kind of disturbing. Which is pointed out in picture form on the blog below.

    Essentially, instead of chasing tail around to "score" in your teenage years, you are now actively pursuing a commitment (and a monogamous relationship) with the fruit that will make your life better for the rest of the levels you live through. (Trying again to ignore the Banana-Penis comparison, but still, the metaphor is there...)

    Also, you describe the "miracle" of passing through a ghost. This is the most accurate description of the word - when the unexpected, inexplicable, and improbable somehow happens. The "gods" of the programming of the game clearly left something in the code for this, because it's happened to me on every single version of the game I've ever played (arcade, NES, SNES, N64, cocktail table, etc). Clearly, this is some element of the game's basic programming that was meant to happen as a quote-unquote Miracle, from time to time. Genius.

    I only wish god had thought to work something like that into reality. Would've been nice. Which is the very point you start the essay with, which basically crushes the whole post over the Green Monster. Well done.

    All in all, a fine fine literary achievement, and I look forward to blowing your ass the fuck away with a truly dedicated mission to become Champion Of The Universe And All Things.

    Get out of my way. No. *beat up guy* *beat up guy*

    * Do not try to play Ms. Pac with that Ratt song on in the background. It doesn't sync up AT ALL.

  8. For further thought & discussion:

    Sweatpants equals Ron Bass

    Ron Bass won by cheating with a whip and boot spurs

    Sweatpants got a high score on Ms. Pac Man via Red Bull and other PEDs

    Therefore, HandsomeStan is a black fan-favorite wrestler themed after a dog that guards junk. That never won a title.

    Oh, wait, fuck...